2:32 PM - overwrought and circular
Current mood: contemplative
from my ridiculously overcooked brainstew (the ink version):
(my apologies for the double negatives and run-on sentences)
"...I can't trust anyone to not hurt me. It's not possible! We all hurt each other and it hurts so much more when we allow ourselves to think there will be no pain, no letdowns, and no subtle inconsistencies that only add to a growing fear of making ourselves open to failure.
I keep thinking that I need to trust more. That's not it. It's not about trust. It's about knowing you will eventually get wronged (or that I will wrong someone else) but being willing to stay close, keep listening, and keep giving of yourself in spite of the ever present possibility that everything might collapse. The only questions are:
How much could they hurt me?
How often will they hurt me?
Is what we have worth the potential pain?
Could I handle it?
Could I handle it without it ruining me?
Would we spend more of our energy on love or on dealing with pain?
Are they as willing to go through it as I am?
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cut things out of my life. I don't know exactly what to cut or who I will become as a result of certain omissions and additions.
We arrive at the turn around.
*If I really wanted to cut someone I would. If I really wanted to rest more I would. If I wanted more engaging entertainment... to practice more... to finish tasks... to have healthy relationships... to get out of this rut... I WOULD FUCKING DO IT...'
and so forth.
p.s. the internet is dumb.
'The Four is the personality type which emphasizes the subjective world of feelings, in creativity and individualism, in introversion and self-absorption, and in self-torment and self-hatred. In this personality type we see creative artists, romantic aesthetes, and withdrawn dreamers, people with powerful feelings who feel different from others because self-consciousness blocks them from getting outside themselves.'
Currently reading:
I Am Not a Man, I Am Dynamite! Friedrich Nietzsche and the Anarchist Tradition
By John Moore
Release date: By 30 April, 2005
0 Comments - 0 Kudos
No comments:
Post a Comment